This blog is going to be completely different from the previous ones I have posted for multiple reasons. One is this one was not written for a college paper so I am sure it will be loaded with grammar errors. I have no intention on having it proofread. The other reason is I am going to dig deep on this one to publicly share what I fear most. I do feel inspired from a blog my sister recently wrote in which she shared some unintentional secrets that she has lived with, she was searching for answers. I too have been searching for answers and reasoning on why things are the way they are for me. I have had to dig deep within myself to understand the beast within me. The beast that only a few have come to meet and know quite well. The beast that many will say does not exist within me. The beast that others know lurk deep inside of me because they too have a beast within them. The beast that I struggle to fight daily with that has destroyed so many things in my life and a select few others lives. I have thought over the past few weeks in great detail of how I would write this not knowing if I would even share it. After my sister shared hers I decided to face my fear in sharing these secrets with everyone. A few years ago I swore I didn’t give a shit who knew what anymore which is true I have become more open than I have ever been in my life. However, some of these things I didn’t even know about myself or understood as much as I do today. So all I can do is write on my experience and the knowledge I have gained from the beast that I have come to know so well.
The first part I will write about a few past experiences that have been significant in my life to give some background on my reasoning for the theory that I have come to believe and have with myself as well as others that I have come to know. As many know I served for 10 years in the U.S. Navy honorably. My career was very high tempo during my time of service with multiple deployments and extensive time away from my family. Some of those details are irrelevant other than the fact the high pace service kept me from facing my demon and coming to terms with the fact that I had a problem. The most significant part of my career that I believe left a long lasting impact on my life was my Iraq deployment. Now before you ask what the fuck was I doing in Iraq I’ll explain. I served with NMCB 133 out of Gulfport which is a Seabee Battalion and I found myself on a convoy team for deployment in 2005-2006. We spent months preparing for this deployment and learning all the weapons extensively as well as the trucks and communications. We would do training cycles up at Camp Shelby for a week here and there to get our team in line on all of our jobs. I was a 240B Gunner in vehicle 6 which was a Humvee.
Training wasn’t only about shooting our weapons and becoming well versed with the comms we were also mentally preparing for the job we were about to face head on. We all had to come to terms that this deployment could kill us or injure us extensively from road side bombs and IEDs or simply shot from a terrorist. We were going into the hot zone. Now realistically those thoughts weigh heavily on a person and leaves an impact but to me the most heavily impact that faces me today is the other one. The one where we had to come to terms with the place we had to go in our heads and our hearts to carry out the mission. It is easy to say “I would shoot someone” it is a whole ordeal to actually have to make that decision and truly mentally prepare for the idea that you may actually have to hold someone at gun point and pull the trigger. You have to dig deep within yourself and know that if certain things happen you have to be able to react and react violently. The kind of violence that would scare most people, the kind that even if shot or injured you would fight bloodied and broken to kill violently the enemy that has caused harm to you and your team. The kind of place that you mentally have to go that you can never in my opinion return from. When a potential terrorist or enemy choice not to follow orders given to him you violently made him do it. Sometimes you just had to scream and demand him do what he was told, other times you had to give a little encouragement with a small arms pointed at him. These things sound terrible for normal society but these things became the daily norm while in country during that period of time. The war was pretty hot and heavy during the time we were deployed, not to mention some of our gear was not as good as the gear available to service members today.
The theory I have is this once a person does something once he can do it again. We all know that theory, if you can build one deck then you can build two so on and so forth. After doing something the first time you can easily do it a second time. Well this relates to that deployment and that mental state of mind that I had to go to for that deployment as well as every other service member that has walked in similar shoes as me. Today 10 years later in a relationship I at home it is not a good thing for me to end up in an argument. Because mentally once a fight at home begins the place in my head that I go sky rockets and I simply black out. The words that will come from my mouth will be violent in nature and hurtful because I am determined to win at all cost just as I needed to win on that deployment. If saying hateful things hurts the other person, then it means I win. This is absolutely wrong in so many ways and I am unsure to this day how to correct this problem. It has occurred numerous times in my life since then where things have been said that cannot be taken back, things that were truly not meant from the heart. They came from the beast within me, the violent beast. The same beast that destroyed a bedroom door when it reared its ugly head as well as a few other things. The beast that physically scared the person that it reared its ugly head to. The things I have done to the people I love the most brings me to my knees in pain knowing the hurt I have caused those around me.
My family too has seen this beast in different ways, usually I am able to hold those outbursts back and away from them, but when I am alone or in a place I feel safe and free that beast comes out vengefully. Sometimes that safe place is knowing the person that is about to see the best loves me unconditionally and I subconsciously do not feel that it would scare them if they see it. There is never any time to rationally think of these things to stop them on my own it always happens quickly when it does like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Usually it never fails that the times this happens are always when I am at my weakest in life, such as being down from job loss or lack of money. Or possibly believing in a future plan but not knowing the facts of how they will play out. When I am pressured to the point of popping and absolutely stressed to the max is when I am weak and the beast is able to take over me. Sometimes that beast just causes me to be in a sour mood and no matter what role you play in my life and how happy I am to have you the ones that love me the most are the ones that pay that price. I will get ugly towards them with words and sarcasm, I will doubt what they say because it was beat in me a long time ago to not trust anyone or even trust your own eyes. A pile of trash could be a 155 shell hidden to kill you. These things have created doubt in me in even the things I believe deep down inside of me. They have caused me to be unsure and hesitant especially towards the things that can hurt me which I have learned my most protected assist that I get the most violent against is my heart. When I say violent please keep in my mind I mean with words and physical damage to my surroundings, I have never once laid my hands on anyone, just want to be clear on that. About the only thing that I know that helps during these times is if the person recognizes what is going on with me and quickly deescalates the situation and calms me back down because walking away and stopping is not a rational option for me once that line has been crossed in my head. That is a big chore for any person to take on.
So before you think that I have my shit together completely and that all I am is a big hearted teddy bear please keep in mind you do not know me at all. Only those that have lived with me for a significant amount of time have seen different sides or got a taste of this beast. It’s not something that shows its head all the time but the times that it has have been significant incidents that have truly hurt other people and have changed the relationship in which I have with them. I am by far no angel as I know no one really is. I am actively pursuing help the issues that I have within me to make me a better man, a better father, a better son and brother as well as a better lover. Therapy is one of the ways I am being helped with education to teach me steps and techniques that can help to control this. Another treatment is in the near future I will be acquiring a service pet to aid me in daily life. One day I hope that all of this will be a story and a thing of the past and not a reoccurring aspect of my life. Until then I will continue to search within myself in whatever way I can to learn to control this beast so that I am not causing anyone in my life harm from being close to me. Unfortunately, those that I have hurt the most are also the ones I have loved the most. It’s a tough price to pay to be loved by me and the beast within me. With all of this being said I beg for forgiveness from those I have hurt and wronged with the beast, this is a public apology and my way of holding myself accountable for my actions and to hold myself accountable to do what I said I would do and that is to be a better man in life.
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